If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.