Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.