I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Think I pulled my liver
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”