Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Woke up against my better judgement again
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow