Don’t talk down to me
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Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.