I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Tremendous stuff
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Noted.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit