No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.