Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
🤣🤣💀
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.