I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.