The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.