Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
how long have you had this for?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.