If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
the way this pissed me off… 😭
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Are we there yet?…
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.