“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death