You Might Also Like
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”