Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.