Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Smells like a challenge to me
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint