me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.