We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
i actually laughed 😩
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table