It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
estão todos miauvindo?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”