PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.