After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.