Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.