When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Blew out my flip flop…
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“No way.” -Jose