Lmao
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
absolutely not
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping