Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
quarantine day 3
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.