a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me :
All Day At Night
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.