me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
this has to be peak English
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries