Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”