My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain鈥檛 coming unless it鈥檚 her idea.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[son on his wedding day] dad what鈥檚 the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there鈥檚 always bananas in the house] her smile
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou