I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My birthstone is kidney
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?