If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?