“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My beach vacation Google searches
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
that de-escalated quickly
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*