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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now