Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
You Might Also Like
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.