Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up