in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!