doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.