making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
my retirement plan is braless
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*