If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
this will hang in the louvre one day
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
This week’s mood.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot