LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
You Might Also Like
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Cashiers are always checking me out
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.