*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…