If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
how was your vacation
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ibopfufen
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀