How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I will never stop laughing at this
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
hackers play passwordle
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.