Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.