Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Two types of dogs.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*weighs self after shaving
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
A friend helps you before you need it
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]