get you a girl who
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Going into Monday like
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon