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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%