Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Love is in the air fryer.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.