You Might Also Like
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
🤣😂
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.