sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Woke up against my better judgment again
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Not my job 😂
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”